Review of Bernardo’s House by James Patrick Kelly

Science Fiction Audiobooks - Bernardo's House by James Patrick KellyBernardo’s House
By James Patrick Kelly; Read By James Patrick Kelly
FREE MP3 DOWNLOAD (link to jimkelly.net) – 1 Hour (26.97 MB) [UNABRIDGED]
Publisher: www.jimkelly.net
Published: April 2004
Themes: Science Fiction / Post Apocalypse / Robots / Artificial Intelligence / Sexuality / Fairy Tales /

“Once on time,” said the girl, “Louise lives in that castle. Louise’s Mom dies, don’t say where her Dad goes. So Louise stuck with spang bitch taking care of her. That Louise castle got no door, only windows high and high. Now Louise got most hair.” Fly spread her arms wide. “Hair big as trees. When spang bitch want in, she call Louise. ‘Louise, Louise, let down buzzy hair.’ Then spang bitch climb it up.”

In the future women will come in all shapes and sizes but men will still be pigs. This is especially true about a philandering homewrecker named Bernardo. Bernardo left 3 years ago, leaving poor Louise alone with no one to talk to… until a young girl named “Fly” arrived. James Patrick Kelly’s hilarious stories never fail to bring a smile to my face and “Bernardo’s House” is no exception. Kelly tends to write very funny personal stories, charged with human and sometimes alien emotions – his recurring themes include biological problems and ethical dilemmas. Kelly also has a great fondness for inventing new words; he is in fact a raving neologist. But all these traits are completely in service to his stories, and in the case of “Bernardo’s House”, the comedic situation and the main character’s apprehension of it is truly tempered by our own baggage that we bring to the experience, turning a story that starts out as fluff into a bittersweet morality tale. “Bernardo’s House” was first published in Asimov’s Science Fiction, June 2003 issue, and at this writing is a finalist for the Hugo Award.

Sound quality and production values are excellent. Kelly is a real performer! He infuses his reading with a bouncy upbeat tone that makes the funny scenes even funnier. But the very best part about “Bernardo’s House” is that its available for FREE! Kelly only asks that if you enjoyed hearing this tale you consider making a donation to his PayPal account, donations encourage future recordings so it’s a real positive feedback loop!

Posted by Jesse Willis

Review of The Adventures of Red Cloud

Science Fiction Audio Drama - The Adventures of Red Cloud starring Traci Elizabeth LordsThe Adventures of Red Cloud
By Larry Weiner; performed by a full cast
2 CDs – 2 hours [AUDIO DRAMA]
Publisher: Radio Repertory Company of America
Published: 2004
ISBN: 0966039297
Themes: / Science Fiction / Audio Drama / Espionage / Piracy / Prostitution / Humor /

The Adventures of Red Cloud is an audio drama starring Traci Elizabeth Lords, Brinke Stevens, and James C. Leary, along with a full cast and crew. Traci Elizabeth Lords is mesmerizing as the sexy Wendy McCloud, who trades professions – from hooker to spy – in order to find her father’s killer. Lords is both funny and sultry as her character fights anger management problems and uses her feminine wiles to infiltrate the inner circle of a group of pirates and achieve her vengeful goals.

The script is witty, and all of the actors turn in nice performances. The score works well, and the effects professionally done. What’s not to like? I found this audio drama very entertaining and am looking forward to more from the Radio Repertory Company of America.

Posted by Scott D. Danielson

Review of Protector By Larry Niven

Science Fiction Audiobook - Protector by Larry NivenProtector
By Larry Niven; read by Mark Sherman
5 cassettes – 7.5 hours [UNABRIDGED]
Publisher: Blackstone Audio
Published: 2003
ISBN: 0786123907
Themes: / Science Fiction / Aliens / Interplanetary Travel / Solar-System Civilization / Asteroid Belt / Mars / Evolution / Genetics / Biology / Ballistic Physics /

Phssthpok the Pak had been traveling for most of his thirty-two thousand years. His mission was to save, develop, and protect the group of Pak breeders sent out into space some two and a half million years before. Brennan was a Belter, the product of a fiercely independent, somewhat anarchic society living in, on, and around an outer asteroid belt. The Belters were rebels, one and all, and Brennan was a smuggler. The Belt worlds had been tracking the Pak ship for days, and Brennan figured to meet that ship first. He was never seen again, at least not by those alive at the time.

Humanity has become an interplanetary species; Luna, Mars, Mercury, the Asteroid Belt and the gas giants of Sol are the playground of mankind. But it wasn’t meant to be that way… an alien race from near the galactic core has set its sights on Earth and the cargo it brings will bear some really strange fruit.

Protector is absolutely bursting with awesome SF ideas, and the twists on them, everything from a precursor to Richard Dawkin’s “Selfish Gene Theory”, to realistic spaceship ballistics and sexual politics. Niven himself has been a giant in the SF field since the early 1970s, of the many living authors who still haven’t been bestowed with the honorific “Grand Master,” Niven is the most deserving. Protector was first published in 1973, and is a part of Niven’s ongoing “Known Space” series, one of the foremost continuing visions of the future by an SF author. Like Robert A. Heinlein’s Future History series, the Known Space novels and stories follow the expansion of humans into the galaxy. And Protector is perhaps the best of the Known Space novels, it offers some of the hardest of the Hard SF ever written, something Larry Niven has a particular talent for, and it’s a great story, both unpredictable and fun! But I can’t stress enough just how good this novel is, the plot is unpredictable but relentlessly logical and enthralling at the same time, even better this novel like Richard Matheson’s classic I Am Legend, has a deep psychological and philosophical impact on the reader, and it also has a similar twist ending. It’s simply fantastic!

Reader Mark Sherman appears to have prepared well for what really could have been a very difficult reading. Larry Niven gave the alien names a real alien sound – I had no idea how to pronounce names like “Phssthpok”, but Mark Sherman does a great job in putting voice to it and numerous other unpronounceable words. Blackstone Audiobooks’s production is super smooth, sound quality is terrific, the cassettes come packaged in the awesome library style clamshell case and the original cover art is simply amazing to behold. For those who prefer other formats, Blackstone has also released Protector in two other media types, a 6 CD set or a single MP3-CD. Whatever format you choose you must choose one as this production of Larry Niven’s Protector is nigh unto perfect.

Posted by Jesse Willis

Review of The Apocalypse of Bill Lizard by Roger Gregg

Science Fiction Audio Drama - The Apocalypse of Bill Lizard by Roger GreggThe Apocalypse of Bill Lizard
By Roger Gregg; Performed by a full cast
Two CD’s – 2 hours [AUDIO DRAMA]
Publisher: Crazy Dog Audio Theatre
Published: 2002
Themes: / Science Fiction / Audio Drama / Detective / Humor /

Bill Lizard, the maladjusted detective in the two-tone shoes and his partner Cyril the Pooka are hired by the Unspeakable to search the Unknowable to find the Unthinkable. Does the world end? What is after the After Life? Will we need shoes in heaven?

The Crazy Dog Audio Theatre brings you The Apocalypse of Bill Lizard, an audio drama in four half-hour episodes. Roger Gregg wrote, directed, and produced.

If you’re a fan of Firesign Theatre, then this is right up your alley. The script is wacky, full of sound effects, humorous dialogue, odd characters, and a mind-bending plot. The main characters are Bill Lizard, played by Roger Gregg, and Cyril the Pooka (a rabbit-shaped spirit reminiscent of Jimmy Stewart’s Harvey, only we hear him speak ourselves). Bill and Cyril are from the get-go sent on a quest for a mysterious scroll by a mysterious woman whose mysterious name Bill can’t pronounce.

In the liner notes, Gregg credits Thomas Merton’s Cables to the Ace, Chuang Tzu, Dante’s Inferno, Christopher Marlowe’s Dr. Faustus, T.S. Eliot’s The Hollow Men, Basho, Cicero’s The Dream of Scipio, and the Tibetan Bardo Thodal as inspirations for the comedic script. I can no more describe Bill Lizard as I can summarize all those works!

I can say that I enjoyed the energetic performances of the actors. The sound effects and overall production quality is excellent. Like I said earlier, this reminded me of some of Firesign Theatre’s recordings, which often leave me thinking, “What the heck was THAT all about?” Bill Lizard gave me the same feeling. It’s entertaining and funny in parts and pieces, smart, and chaotic.

The Crazy Dog Audio Theatre site offers free download of Episode 1 of Bill Lizard. Find it, along with the hilarious Zombies of Dr. Krell, here.

Posted by Scott D. Danielson

Noreascon: The 29th World Science Fiction Conventi…

Noreascon: The 29th World Science Fiction Convention Awards Banquet
Produced by William Desmond; Various Speakers
Two 33 1/3 RPM LPs – Approximately 90 minutes [UNABRIDGED EXCERPTS]
Publisher: Nesfa Inc.
Published: 1973 – Out Of Print
Themes: / Science Fiction / Awards / Fandom / Hugo Awards /

A set of two long-playing records of the Awards Banquet at the 1971 World Science Fiction Convention in Boston. The Toastmaster for the function was Robert Silverberg. In addition to the speeches by Guest of Honor Clifford D. Simak and Fan Guest of Honor Harry Warner, Jr., there is a eulogy for John Campbell given by Lester del Rey. Other speeches were given by the TAFF delegate (Mario Bosnyak) and the Bob Shaw Fan Fund winner (Bob Shaw). Awards were presented for First Fandom (received by Philinda Hammond for late father, John W. Campbell) and the P.A.T. Terry Award for Humour in SF. The Hugo Awards were presented by Isaac Asimov.

I had to find a working record player to play this set, something more difficult than I expected, but it was worth the wait. Recorded in real time, this is a collection of excerpts from the awards banquet, so there are some slow spots, a little dead air, but the energy and sheer voyeurism more than makes up for this. After all, listening to these LPs is for a science fiction fan what the Oscars are to a movie fan.

Toastmaster Robert Silverberg, who just this year (2004) has been named a “grand master,” sprinkles his 33 year old speeches with jokes, about Nixon, marijuana and other topical to 1971 themes – Silverberg also “roasts” many of his colleagues to his own and to the audience’s obvious delight. But Silverberg isn’t the only speaker. A somber and lamenting Lester Del Rey eulogized John W. Campbell and presented the first Fandom Award. Bob Shaw, specially imported to Boston just for the occasion made a brief speech full of warmth and humour and delightful Irish accent was a real treat! And Clifford D. Simak gave what sounded like a prepared speech – with some unfortunately insecure dentures. Simak’s unadulterated benevolence shone through – in his late 60’s by the time of this recording, he was the most eloquent speaker among all the honourees that night. Simak suggested in his speech that perhaps the “golden age”, wasn’t quite so golden as we all seem to remember and that the current ‘dry spell’ isn’t perhaps quite so dry. He extolled the virtues of the “new wave” and suggests that science fiction is stronger than it ever was, and that the expansion into the softer sciences of economics, ethics, sociology, etc. is actually a good thing. Simak’s conviction and good will brought genuine tears to my eyes and I wasn’t the only one moved. Simak’s speech was interrupted by spontaneous applause. After he’d concluded his speech he was again subject to a rousing and sustained round of applause and Silverberg said as Simak took his seat “He’s a good man, a pretty good writer too, we have a lot of good writers here tonight but he’s a good man”. We’ll miss you Cliff.

On Side 4 the serious handing out the “silver spaceships” began in earnest with Isaac Asimov as the dispenser. Asimov had even more fun with the microphone than did Silverberg, giving us a raunchy limerick and several references to himself as the worlds greatest science fiction author!

Larry Niven makes a brief vocalization too, after having been handed his Hugo for best novel (Ringworld), Niven said “I promised my wife I’d quit smoking right after this convention”. Thankfully Larry is still with us more than a third of a century later and no doubt we have his wife to thank for that.

Sound quality with this 1973 production is only fair, vinyl/needle friction combined with numerous microphone bumps, pops and hisses are only a minor annoyance, most speakers are easily heard, the audience laughs at all the jokes and everyone seems to be having a great time. The line drawing cover art is rudimentary and is taken from the program to the convention (click on the picture to see the expanded fold out cover), the inside of the 2 disc set is illustrated with black and white photos from Noreascon 1971. With only 300 of these record sets ever printed this is a mighty rare collectible, I’ll cherish mine until they invent that time machine these SF authors are always promising – then I can visit the convention myself!

Posted by Jesse Willis

Review of A Green Thumb By Tobias S. Buckell

A Green Thumb
By Tobias S. Buckell; Read by Alexander Wilson
MP3 DOWNLOAD – 15 minutes, 21 seconds [UNABRIDGED]
Publisher: Telltale Weekly
Published: 2004
Themes: / Science Fiction / Alternate History / Genetic Engineering /

First published in Analog Science Fiction and Science Fact’s Jul/Aug 2002 issue, “A Green Thumb” posits an alternate world where consumer goods, like automobiles, are planted and nutured like trees instead of being manufactured. These plants grow directly into products, taking their final shape via genetic engineering. No chemicals or pollution, just sunshine and earth. Unfortunately, this short story is missing an interesting consequence or any sort of twist. Instead it relies on juvenile emotions for direction and energy. Like a sitcom without the humor, a family problem arises, a mild crisis ensues ending with a happy ever after resolution. Alexander Wilson’s reading was good with clear enunciation, though the characters voices could have used a little more distinctiveness. Available online at Telltale Weekly, “A Green Thumb” sells for only $.75 USD, merely the cost of a vended soda, making it a worthwhile listen.

Posted by Jesse Willis